The Life and Times of the Venerable Schin Nguyen: Lord High Chancellor of the Emerald Isles

People have often accused me of being narcissistic but history will no doubt vindicate me, because I’m awesome. Some day my supposed arrogance will be revealed as a misunderstanding of greatness before its time. Time is of course too slow and inefficient, and because I refuse to go the way of Van Gough and Mussolini I will not have some casual observer/historian write any biography of me unaided, so I have began to write my own obituary so that the true story will be told when the time comes. Think of it as a blue print for you to live your life by; something to aspire to.

Thought of by many as the 16^th reincarnation of Buddha, it was the quiet morning of January 5^th 1987 when in the laboratory of Nobel Prize winners, Barak Obama and Oprah Winfrey, Schin Nguyen was born. At his birth, the cries of the baby shattered all of the glass in the building, inadvertently killing all of the other test tube babies; at that moment Barak and Oprah knew their experiment had been a success.

This young baby, who lay in a halo of broken glass, was no ordinary infant. He had been genetically engineered to be perhaps the greatest human/dolphin ever. His superior abilities came as a result of drawing from various great men in history.  The deep, soulful baritone of Barry White, the rugged good looks of George Clooney, the virility and stamina of John F. Kennedy, the alcohol tolerance of Ted Kennedy, laser vision from Superman and Mahatma Gandhi’s levitating powers. Many thought the ability to fly was over kill, but  Oprah had the foresight to give the baby the I.Q. of  Albert Einstein to keep the child humble.

At two days old, the boy child uttered his first word, “interpolation” after which he wrote a 64 page dissertation on the eminent crash of the stock and housing market 20 years prior to its occurrence. At the age of five, Schin created the Macintosh Computer Company as a social experiment, not only did he fabricate almost 15 years of back story, he set about, proving that with proper marketing you could make the masses think anything is ‘cool’ . After teaching TuPac Shakur how to rap, the young Schin would build a time machine with which he would travel to the 1500’s spending 7 years as English writer and spy, Christopher Marlowe, and in his spare time invented and refined the myth of Shakespeare.

It was upon his return to the 20^th Century that he met with his first wife, Halle Berry. The two fell madly in love with each other almost instantaneously. Halle Berry wanted to consummate their love the day of their meeting, but being the upstanding man of high moral fiber that he was, Schin begged her not to ravage him without committing to the sacred bonds of marriage. Sadly because he had the wickedest slam, Halle Berry’s mind was exploded, that is literally blown, leaving her with no memory of her short lived romance.

At the lost of the woman he loved Schin sank into a state of depression, from which he barely rebounded in time to save the world from Y2K.

to be continued...