"How To..." Chapter 1

How To Over Think a First Encounter and Ruin Your Chance With the Girl of Your Dreams:
The Concise Guide to Dying Alone and Miserable, For Attractive Over-Achieving Males

The writer, a 42 year native of Norman's Cay has battle with his obscene attractiveness for the past 30 years, and gives lectures throughout the leeward islands of the archipelago on overcoming the debilitating effects of coarse and debauched handsomeness.


Step One: Come On Too Strong,

According to your mother, "you're a handsome boy and any girl would be lucky to have you"  but even while your mum's pinch's imprint is still clear on your cheek, you feel that today you need something extra. You see today is the day. This is first time that you are meeting the girl of your dreams, and although you've never had a conversation with her , you know she is the girl of your dreams because you've check out her profile on Facebook (1). This was no easy feat seeing as  she blocked and reported you twice for inappropriate comments. Other persons may stop after getting a cease and desist order but you suffer from a severe case of over determination, and that's what women like. Women like a man who is determined.

NO ONE LIKES A QUITTER! (2)

There is always some mutual friend whose account that you can hack and find out what class she has on Monday. Now the ball is in your court, but its not enough to simply steal a couple lines from a Will Smith  movie while knocking all of the French textbooks out of her hand, hoping she digs your Ray Bands and super retro Hi-Top fade, no this girl is special, any liberal art major can pull off that look, you need to step it up to a whole other level. You've seen the movies and after school specials, what is it that women can't resist? Spectacles; women love spectacles, like a--like a child with astigmatism. When I was in school it was as simple as making a mix-tape of R Kelly songs(3) but that was of course a while ago, some where in the late 1990's, or as my younger, attractive wife like to refer to it as in the year King Uzziah died, which incidentally was also a hit song by Kelly during that time.


I know that today it is not as simple as it use to be to draw attention to yourself, it expected that you make an idiot of yourself, its called brand recognition.  How are you going to get her attention? You need to do some more research, find out what she likes, no detail is too mundane to ignore, ask around maybe he has a room mate or sister, find out things like What's her favorite brand of oatmeal?  What is her favorite  shade of green; teal or jade? What are her opinions on planned parenting? at first these seem like some pretty deep questions to ask about someone that you talking to for the first time (ever in life), but if you come to the table with this information she can't help but notice that you are serious about this relationship.

Now it isn't always possible to get this information as some family members can't be bought (4), at times like this you have to wing it. You've intercepted her on the way from the library to her french class which she is late for her mid-term test. You've quickly introduced yourself, telling her your name and she introduces herself as something that sounds oddly like an invented pseudonym, no matter, before she goes another foot you make your move. knock all the books out of her hand and get on one knee. from your back pocket pull out the the imitation cubic zirconium ring and ask her to marry you. Now honestly she probably won't  say yes, and in all truth, if she says yes you should run (5) but she will never forget you.




1 you've also checked your dream book, and your lucky numbers today are 11001

2 (unless i'm on the other team, then i do like a quitter. Shoot once in a very competitive game of Yatzee after a girl gave up i bought her dinner and even let her get some heavy petting in, what was her name? I don't kiss and tell-- your mother)

3 imagine Trèy Songz with facial hair and a Basketball Jersey over his church shirt. While that seems odd, you must appreciate the genius of the man that combined two archetypes of success in the ghetto, pastors and basketball players, this was perhaps most recognized in his double disc album The Lord Saved Me (Disc 1) To Style On Your Girl (Disc 2).

4 like Olive's sister, you'd think that $50.00 would be enough money to procure me a small article of clothing, but suddenly Ruby has a moral compass, but she won't give me back my money or at least an invoice so that i can keep a balance cheque book

5. A crazy guy is something girls can get over, at worst you're Tom Cruise at best your Johnny Depp, either way a guy wins. A crazy girl on the other hand is like…well its just creepy.