ATTN: Desk of Olive Greene

I realize that i don't tell you this often, but i don't know what i would do without you, particularly the past two weeks after the death of my pet tiger shark. But beyond your creamy, soft shoulder it has recently come to my attention that i have become a slightly better person because of you. I'll give you an example.

The other morning my governess asked me where i was going because i was wearing pants. Apparently this is un-characteristic of me at the early hour of 10:45am, usually at that time i'm just stumbling into the house, but still not wearing pants. (I admit that it was crude of a caretaker to suggest such a thing, but she isn't a Bahamian, she's from Long Island, and they aren't a genteel race and rather unease to the proper behavior that is required of help.)

It happen that you were passing by that morning to pick up my manuscript, which was the reason that i was clothed, this irritated my governess to no end, her exact words were, "to quote a famous man, nigga please! " You must know right now, i've never said that before, there is almost no circumstance under which i could imagine me saying please, but that is the very thing, when you came to the door i said "…please, come in."

Prior to meeting you i was satisfied with my position as an over educated lumpen proletariat, extolling the profits of being--well a bum, now i find myself having ambitions and goals and not only am i setting exceptional aspirations but achieving them. To make matters worse the other day i found myself updating my resume and sending it out to prospective employees. I'm certain that you are proud of all this but i must now ask you to cease being a positive impact on my life as it is terribly laborious and interferes with my 12 hours of sleep, i started this memo by telling you that i don't know what i would do without you, well before i met you i knew what i would be doing, watching Sponge Bob reruns and eating Honey Nut Cheerios in my Superman  drawers.

So while i appreciate all of your contributions that you've--nope thats a lie please stop, its hard living up to my potential.

Schin (Steve) Nguyen