Chapter 5: The Zombie Invasion

Assuming that the future does indeed exist then this must be a true story. Found here is a page from the a primary school history text book written in the year 2050 about an apparent imminent threat that we are unaware of.

 No one knows exactly when Nassau’s zombie problem began, mostly because no one really noticed when zombies arrived. Most historical records pin the first official zombie sighting at around 11:45pm July 9^th 1973, but many people assumed that was simply the last of the British officials. In fact most persons did not become aware of the existence of zombies until December 2009. It is not surprising that the undead menace went unnoticed for so long. There is a certain degree of difficulty in identifying a sluggardly zombie getting your order wrong at Burger King and forgetting to give you a packet of ketchup and a sluggardly Bahamian getting your order wrong at Burger King and forgetting to give you a packet of ketchup.

 According to the 2010 census, between 2001-2009 zombies made up 36% of the Bahamian work force, not surprising as it is a well known fact that zombies are notoriously good at preparing cover letters and resumes. So accepted were zombies as a part of the working masses that in the 2002 and 2007 General Elections, some 10 elected officials to the House of Parliament were in fact zombies. Of course looking back at the speeches given during the rallies most should have picked up on their undead presence. Aside from  the rotting teeth and stench of decaying flesh, which  for anyone that spent a week in New Providence  knows is not that strange, it was the frothing at mouth while not saying anything in particular, but still grunting and moaning to contemporary Bahamian music that should have cued Bahamians in.

So how then did the ‘issue’ of the zombies come to light? It began with a sensationalized news story published by a COB student that would be picked up by local media houses.

“The F-Block on Tuesday was the scene of another grizzly mauling as zombies attacked their third victim in as many months. The victim, 3^rd year English Major, Bradley Worrell, attempted to defend himself from his attackers by first engaging them in interpersonal discourse, but it was ineffective as the flesh eaters could not….”

Interestingly enough had any dailies or television stations had bothered to read the by-line they would have notice that it was in fact Bradley Worrell, 3^rd year English Major, who wrote the story. If you are old enough to remember 2009, you will recall that it was not uncommon to find a mangled human torso with parts of their brains missing but until that story came out many people thought that it had something to do with Tourism and so no one said anything. 

List of Known Zombie Sympathizers

• Terneille Burrows
• Farreno Ferguson*
• Vega Truth Bethel
• Cassius Stuart
• Tracey-Ann Perpall*
• Everyone in Track Road Theatre
• Stephen Hanna
• Rashad McPhee 
• Travon Patton*
• The Guys that did Stop Likin Man
• Sammy Starr
• Deon**
• Bodine Johnson 
• Henry Jenkins

*Potential Zombies

**All persons named Deon 

...didn’t realize that so many people use Opera on the MAC like me

"Why," you may ask yourself,  "...is Schin Nguyen, creating a blog in the already saturated Bahamian blog market?"

The question you should ask is , “who the hell is Schin Nguyen and why is the guy who shoots music videos writing a blog? Isn’t he functionally illiterate?”

(scoff!)

Nothing that  copying and pasting random words from Wikipedia can’t solve my For other uses, see Schin (disambiguation)

Well friends…I’m assuming that the 12 views last night are actual people and not me checking for spelling errors in my first post…(darn it, forgot to click “Don’t track your own page views”)

Not important…

Friends, I looked at the Bahamian blog market and I realized something was lacking. There were all of these,

“fashion blogs”

“music blogs”

“I had orange soda with two cubes of ice blogs”

…blogs that weren’t really blogs at all, just weird Facebook post of girls talking to their web cameras, then they pretend they're Spanish and replace the ‘b’ with a ‘v’.

…but where were the crappy blogs?

Where were the pretentious self serving blogs that only exist to make the creator feel like he was popular because he got …13 views? 

(WHOOT!! WHOOT!! moving up in the world)

All the other blogs have high production value and facts, and interesting pics of swim suit models, but this my friend …this is real.

This is the last bit of unwashed truth available on the Internet!

The people needed the truth, and as such I have come here to provide it…with all of its spelling and syntactical errors, because the world needs my brand of logic

Also my cable is off so …yea

Letter to Sherice Major

Dear Sherice,

As we have never formally met, I would like to apologize for staring at you like you are a piece of meat. Perhaps if I were a vegetarian my glances would convey a longing for some sort of coconut tart or decadent fruit filled pastry, but let us not dance around the issue with flowery words.  Assuming that the pictures on Facebook are actually you, then you are, if not the definition of beauty, the most apt description of it. From your ample 32 C’s to the mole 6.7cm from your belly button, are the personification of physical perfection, (your feet are kinda weird, but I’m completely willing to over look that. )

Sherice while there is no doubt that I can write about your beauty till it begins to sag, crease and develop sparse amounts of weird facial hair that you tweeze away in the car on the way to work, that is not the purpose of my letter.  I have discovered of late that, not only does my loins burn for you, but also my heart and liver. Assuming that I have not contracted an exotic strain of hook worm, I will venture to say that I am perhaps in love with you. My friends have tried their best to convince me that you are the worst possible choice for me. See they think that you are shallow depraved person, but they don’t know you like I know you. From your profile on Facebook I can see you are a Leo.  I too am a fan of the Detroit Lions team.

Now I have carefully assembled and annotated a list of reasons why you should accept my proposal for us to engage in more personable relations.

1.     After watching the film, “The Day After Tomorrow”, I began preparing for the impending apocalyptic, cold snap that would plunge us into the second ice age. For several years I have been procuring subcutaneous fat, enough to keep both you and I warm with said apron of belly fat. (It also works as a Polar Bear deterrent.)

2.     I am a writer, which aside from the vocation of cartoonist is as close to a scavenger that modern life allows. So in the cold summers to come, I will be able to forage for food, from the left over carcasses of vultures and hyenas. Aside from writing, I am also a fledging movie director. Some of my work has been described as “Uwe Bol meets Ed Wood…” so the work obviously speaks for itself.

3.     In my spare time, I have uncovered 8 of the 11 secret herbs and spices to some surety, with an official letter from the main KFC branch in Kentucky validating at least two of the ingredients that I have uncovered, these being chicken and salt. You can read more about it in my blog.

4.     I have a small underground cult following, (like literally a ‘cult’ there are statues and incense burnings in sacred groves with vestal virgins in all white, it’s really cool you should hang sometime. We meet on Thursdays at the Hub, it’s really a hip scene with the chanting and such.)

5.     I’m a Cartoonist.

There are of course many more attributes that undoubtedly would convince you of my suitability as a suitor but they are too numerous for me to place in this 500 word column, but I think that I have stated enough to get you whet (sic) …your appetite. Sherice, I’m not asking you to marry me, just for you to bear my young.

Love,

Steve Nguyen