Letter to Sherice Major

Dear Sherice,

As we have never formally met, I would like to apologize for staring at you like you are a piece of meat. Perhaps if I were a vegetarian my glances would convey a longing for some sort of coconut tart or decadent fruit filled pastry, but let us not dance around the issue with flowery words.  Assuming that the pictures on Facebook are actually you, then you are, if not the definition of beauty, the most apt description of it. From your ample 32 C’s to the mole 6.7cm from your belly button, are the personification of physical perfection, (your feet are kinda weird, but I’m completely willing to over look that. )

Sherice while there is no doubt that I can write about your beauty till it begins to sag, crease and develop sparse amounts of weird facial hair that you tweeze away in the car on the way to work, that is not the purpose of my letter.  I have discovered of late that, not only does my loins burn for you, but also my heart and liver. Assuming that I have not contracted an exotic strain of hook worm, I will venture to say that I am perhaps in love with you. My friends have tried their best to convince me that you are the worst possible choice for me. See they think that you are shallow depraved person, but they don’t know you like I know you. From your profile on Facebook I can see you are a Leo.  I too am a fan of the Detroit Lions team.

Now I have carefully assembled and annotated a list of reasons why you should accept my proposal for us to engage in more personable relations.

1.     After watching the film, “The Day After Tomorrow”, I began preparing for the impending apocalyptic, cold snap that would plunge us into the second ice age. For several years I have been procuring subcutaneous fat, enough to keep both you and I warm with said apron of belly fat. (It also works as a Polar Bear deterrent.)

2.     I am a writer, which aside from the vocation of cartoonist is as close to a scavenger that modern life allows. So in the cold summers to come, I will be able to forage for food, from the left over carcasses of vultures and hyenas. Aside from writing, I am also a fledging movie director. Some of my work has been described as “Uwe Bol meets Ed Wood…” so the work obviously speaks for itself.

3.     In my spare time, I have uncovered 8 of the 11 secret herbs and spices to some surety, with an official letter from the main KFC branch in Kentucky validating at least two of the ingredients that I have uncovered, these being chicken and salt. You can read more about it in my blog.

4.     I have a small underground cult following, (like literally a ‘cult’ there are statues and incense burnings in sacred groves with vestal virgins in all white, it’s really cool you should hang sometime. We meet on Thursdays at the Hub, it’s really a hip scene with the chanting and such.)

5.     I’m a Cartoonist.

There are of course many more attributes that undoubtedly would convince you of my suitability as a suitor but they are too numerous for me to place in this 500 word column, but I think that I have stated enough to get you whet (sic) …your appetite. Sherice, I’m not asking you to marry me, just for you to bear my young.

Love,

Steve Nguyen