No one reads my blog (except the people who complain about the speling errors), and so in order to assure that I fulfill the contributory requirement of my contract with my Editors, I will write a 600-word column, but you will neither like nor find it humorous. If you wish to abandon the pursuit of reading, the rest of this piece, now is the time.
Go ahead, remember failure is always an option, as a matter of fact, failure is always option 2 in my book; superceded only by quitting.
Why are you still reading? (Note that I said Why are you still reading? And not Why are you still reading! Although you are signaled by the word ‘why’ to the fact that I’m asking you a question, the use of a question mark as opposed to an exclamation mark, suggest a politeness and acceptance in the tone of the question. Alas I do not think it expresses fully the level of sardonic intonation in the question… and why are you still reading this!)
Alright truthfully, I’ll be honest, but for real this time, the only reason that I’m still writing because I’m trying to steal your girlfriend, and she seems rather impressed with the fact that I’m literate. I don’t expect that she’s going to read past the the byline, she’s rather easy that way, but you know that. All it takes is one DRAKE song and you’ll be raising someone else son while she tries to convince you that its her grandfather’s hazel eyes and lumber jack beard that the baby inherited.
Wait, oh flip, I don’t have hazel eyes either, boy I guess she got us both. Boy, that Melissa is a wily one.
And now you’ve probably wondered if you missed something. What message is the writer trying to get across. You should know better than trying to assign meaning by presuming what is the authorial intent.
What are you a formalist?
Of course not, if you were you wouldn’t care about my intent, you also would have stop reading because you would have taken ENG 311 already an known better than to read a blog by an English major online.
English Major’s don’t have a sense of humor, just an unshakable sense of entitlement and arrogance, and why shouldn’t we, we are better than all the other Schools (yea I’m talking to you Natural Sciences).
Wait hold on, I got to watch this episode of Robot Chicken….lsssrkjn;wsrffd vaeoaev,,j.
Oh, you’re still here…I would also like to take this time to recommend the fictitious character, Philip Meryl Tompkins, for President of the College.
Which returns me to my original point
No one reads this blog, except you apparently. Well congratulations, you elitist. Do you feel like you better than the people who skipped over this and just went looking for bootleg manga online, (you should feel better than them, pictures are to stop illiterate people from driving off cliffs. (I apologize if I have offended anyone whose parents may have been a road side sign, it is an honorable profession, and your father did that so you could have it better than him. I promise you that he did not spend 60 hours a day wearing a sign that says “this way to Diamond Intl” so that you could not look down on him.)
Come let us feign intelligence by discussing words that neither of us can pronounce, the other day when I was wearing my Prussian blue cardigan and listening to an audio book of my favorite ghazal artist…and this makes 600 words, here.
No comments:
Post a Comment