Frequently asked questions, but are rarely answered (or a brief promenade through the forest of Simulacrum)

Dear Schin,

Why do you have such a large beard?

                                   East of the Border

That is a simple question with a simple answer; it is my attempt at phallus compensation, (lol I’m kidding, my Blackberry and grandiose audio set in the trunk of my 2004 white Maxima, is my attempt to balance any lacking.) No, the real answer is that I suffer from a horrible physical deformity, I was born without neck. There is just, mouth > chin > chest > man-boobs. (Traditionally men are ashamed to admit that they have enough excess chest fat to fill a B-cup but Nassau girls seem to all be going through an experimental-adventurous phase and only become disappointed when they realize that I’m not a chunky, girl with a beard and flexible moral standards, but instead a chunky, dude with a beard and flexible moral standards, they of course get over it.) But I’m straying from the subject at hand, the beard allows for me to draw attention to where the neck would be if I can ever save up enough money for the surgery, (it also helps to pick up the girls that have father abandonment issues, which I must say, thanks to the excellent parenting skills of Bahamian males has all my week-ends till mid March booked).

Dear Mr. Nguyen,

I have  heard a lot of people talking lately about a place called “Freeport”, I  tried to look it up on the internet and even Facebook, but I can’t find any information on it. Is this a real place and if it is where is it?

                                                                                Pimpocity242

This is a common question; I’ve actually gotten tons of letters on this very subject. No, there is no such place that has ever existed. Some of my readers will exclaim, how is that possible? Isn’t Freeport our second city?  To which I say, “doesn’t Ralph Ellison tell us that a second class citizen is an Invisible Man?”  Thus if Freeport is a second city, it must be invisible, and so it must not exist, (if I may borrow the logic of an atheist, lol simulacra)  


In the 1980’s a faction of American emigrants washed on the shores of the island of Bahamas and at the time there was a strict immigration policy in place by the then Minister of Immigration Loftus Roker. In order to prevent themselves from being shipped off the island of the Bahamas these emigrants created not only the idea of the Freeport but also the myth of there being a heterogeneous cultural world.

 As we now know, the world is comprised of 16 countries, (30 if we count the Barbarians that don’t speak English) but this small group of emigrants constructed the invention of the countries and cultures of some 180 countries. Places like Mexico, France, the Middle East, Russia, Cuba, Nigeria, California South Africa (not to be confused with North Africa which is a real country) and China, did not exist prior to 1986. Now you may say, Schin, if China is a fiction then how do you explain all the mongoloid looking people building the stadium? To which I will first say “that is racist”, and second “…they’re from Spanish Wells hence they all look the same” (it’s okay for me to say that, I’m Asian and so it’s not racist, also, I’m not Asian)

Back to the original tangent (lol die English language slow and painfully at my capable hands) if Freeport is real, I will ask you a simple question, have you ever been there? If you haven’t, then how can you be sure? Are you trusting the word of some self-serving pretentious writer with an agenda of mis-information? Next you will be buying into the fallacy of democracy, free press and love.