The Secret Life of Sheep (previously published in Spectrum 2012)

ignoring my obvious prejudices towards persons from freeport, it is a little known fact that i'm a nassau boy born and raised so there are so many things that family islanders hold as common knowledge that us faux city folk know nothing about like



recently one of my close friends has started dating a girl from a long island sheep farm to which i thought made it a perfect time to answer all the burning questions that i've always had.

first question; under what circumstances is it appropriate to castrate a sheep?" to which she informed me several months prior to eating it, because this some how fattens the poor animal. this however confused me; how does the lost of ones genitalia make one fat? Maybe when they cut off the sheep's testicles not only does it save energy from not performing coitus ever again, but the poor ram goes into a horrible state of depression and slumps down in front of his television till 3 am in the morning watching syndicated episodes of Will & Grace on LifeTime, crying over a tub of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, mumbling aloud, "why won't you call me (sob) i totally can see you over in Farmer O'Brien's field but were not talking and as bad as i want to, i realize that you need your space so--i'll give you your space…" (totally unrelated rant)

maybe it's a he sheep that the ram is crying over; long island is a progressive island, i believe that they'd accept a sheep (or goat for that matter) with an alternative life style. I refuse to believe that long islanders would hold the fact that a sheep (or goat) watches Twilight  and has a poster of Wendy Williams  in his bathroom against him, (that is what makes you gay right, B-Movies and day-time television?)

this of course brings to mind a million other questions; did the ram chose to be gay or was he born that way, after all the poor mutilated animal wasn't born fatty and delicious, they cut his nuts off for that. then comes the true burning question, are the hind quarters of queer sheep more or less tender than that of heterosexual sheep? it was at this point my friend's girlfriend left the room, but none of this really matters as i am a vegetarian (not true, just didn't want to offend any gay sheep). i really wished that i hadn't pissed her off because part of me  wanted to find out how political sheep are? how do they feel about the accusatory comparisons from the Wikipedia Marxist? In this Obama Era do regular sheep have a problem with black sheep? there are a couple sheep tongue jokes to be made but my editor is shaking her head so   i'm going to keep that part to myself.

The Secret Life of Bahamians

 I recently lost my passport, alright no, it was stolen, but it sounds better for me to say "I lost it" then "I fell asleep watching the View and someone broke into my house and stole it". In all honestly i would have no problem with the 3 year wait to get a new one if I had some other form of identification but seeing that everything including my blasted COB id was tucked in a folder with the passport, as such, i am without any proof of my existence.

So I'm standing in line to take a trip to a Family Island as my job of traveling satirist often calls for me to do, the young woman who is about to give me any ticket asks me for some form of identification (which if you had read the introduction in italics you would have known that go back and read you unwashed cretin!) So I tell her that I have nothing, no document to prove I am a Bahamian, but is it not obvious that i am a Bahamian? I plead with her to understand my Bahamianess.

- I quite often, through cultural idioms off handedly remind persons to keep their copulation preference to that of heterosexual persuasion, (that is to say stop liken man, yea I watched the video).

-  Of course i'm Bahamian, I'm Xenophobic, (at first i thought that meant, fear of the the letter 'z' but upon discovering that the word is spelt with a "x" and no one is afraid of former lovers, one can only deduce that a xenophobe is any one that is afraid of warrior princesses).

- I once ate Bamboo Shack, ( that should count for something).

- I voted for Barak Obama in the last election.

- I've never read a book longer than 300 pages.

- I like Junkanoo, (except  waiting on line for tickets…or standing in the free spots…oh i also do not like the parade portion).

When none of this worked, i revealed to the clerk that i must be Bahamian as i have fathered at the very least 2.8 children out of wedlock, the exact number escapes me presently. This of course piqued her interest, she wanted to know what kinda of father i was, so i told her that despite the tough economic period that the country is facing i was  a father to my children. I visit my sons religiously, which means once a year in december for about an hour and a half before Junkanoo.

That maybe the point at which i lost her. Needless to say, i never left the island, but lets be realistic, who actually knows what it means to be a Bahamian (aside from
the traditional interpretation that you're not a Haitian or white and that at times you possess the ability to speak Bahamian Creole English with a varying basilectal/mesolectal proficiency atlas until you reach the Miami airport, then you kinda sound like Jay Z).

Despite the rhetoric that you've aborted in that ENG 300 class you took, you still can't articulate what it means, outside of strict legal terms, to be Bahamian. I can't even do it, despite my through grasp on arrogant elitist discourse--wait, darn it, peas and rice, i should have said peas and rice.

"Nothing happened. "

Last night Troy Harris of New Providence allegedly did nothing. Multiple witnesses confirmed seeing 34 year old Harris, who until this time was believed to be a heterosexual Bahamian male, with an unidentified attractive female in his vehicle.  When questioned about the event Harris would only comment "I had a good evening and I plan on calling her and hopefully we go out again" leading many to speculate that Harris is either a homosexual or a Canadian. 
Local political commentator and College Professor Kenneth Missick says while it is possible that Harris may be a gentleman it much more likely that he's gay. "We've had reports that this 2nd or third date and yet he's claiming nothing happened and while I've heard stories about men not coercing women into sex until a committed relationship had been established or even marriage we know those are myths. It is much more likely that he is a eunuch or secretly an R&B singer (we know) that industry is rife with men that are physically fit and a tad too intoned with their emotions"
Still Harris maintains his position that nothing happened.  "I think that people will draw their own conclusions but what is happening between me and her is personal and when we are ready to share that  with the world we will" which all in all is a pretty gay thing to say.  Harris was asked about gis recent complaint of a back ache, his response, "i have bad posture?" The unidentified lady could not be reached up to press time for comment.

I may be oversimplfying but...

things that are complicated

THE ECONOMY: for some reason even though the economy always sucks and perpetually is 10 seconds away from exploding into flames and destroying life and the world and life as we know it, the people that are in charge of the economy still look like they're doing pretty good for themselves. I mean don't get me wrong, obviously there is something wrong with the economy, because the rest of us are losing jobs and struggling to afford to purchase a pack of noodles, but obviously we just don't understand how the economy works because apparently you can say the countries broke and still have gold plated tissue paper. There for it complicated.




I had to take out a loan and enter 3 Asues to afford this one pack of Noodles bey!



PEOPLE WHO HATE FRANK OCEAN: don't get me wrong, I hate Frank Ocean, so i don't actually mean a perfect person like me. what i mean is people who swore by the man until July 4th 2012. I have a legitimate reason to hate Frank; he confused people with his lyrics and they misinterpreted his confusion waves as him being "deep" and "revolutionary" i on the other hand knew that he was just saying words in a rhythmic pattern and a soulful voice so i took issue to all the girls that were downloading his album and saying he understood their hearts (and although that is you essentially telling me that your heart is farrago assortment)--DAMN IT THAT WAS MY RACKET FRANK!!! 


this is perfect visual representation of Frank Ocean's music, you could try to make sense of it and "enjoy it" but no matter how hard you stare...its still just elephant dung splattered on to a canvas. That's right, if you like this picture you literally like crap.

Then July 4th and Frank Ocean says he's gay and now people who told me that "Frank is the truth" are saying that they hate him and will never listen to him again. That's odd, because you liked him when you thought he was a soft understanding male that wanted to sing you to sleep, basically a gay best friend...but now you don't want a gay best friend that's actually gay? I'm confused. Was it ever about the music (that i still hate) or did you secretly intend to get it on with Frank?

PICKING DESSERT: chocolate cake or cheesecake? this isn't fair. I don't say would you like oxygen or water do i, so why would they make you choose between the two most important parts of any well balanced diet? Why is it so complicated? Because you can always get chocolate cake, its easy to make, it comes in boxes, in vending machines, but for some reason you're in a restaurant and although you haven't had cheese cake since...well we just made cheesecake 2 weeks ago but that's not the point, despite the frequency that chocolate cake occurs in your life you can't just forsake it and just for the momentary pleasure of cheesecake...and you can't order both cus you think that i'm going to look at you weird. lol the funniest part is that no matter what i get you're going to probably reach over and "taste" it so you might as well order two desserts, but im oversimplifying it.

ANY LANGUAGE THAT'S NOT ENGLISH: come on, think about it, how hard is it to learn a new language, i don't know any bi-lingual people whose 1st language was English. That is actually the basis of my proof. We can't learn their language without a 3 year Berlitz course and even then we still can't read any French book above the Dr. Suess' classic Oeufs et Jambon Verts level. But on the other hand they learn English in the first 2 weeks of reaching any English speaking country. Now they're in the Starbucks ordering pizza. PIZZA!! Did you even know that Starbucks sold pizza?!! Of course you didn't, because they're complicated language prepared them for that level of discourse to convince a barista to make them a Margarita Pizza with truffle oil. They have these hard languages and they are actually stepping down to our neanderthal gibberish-- except German, cus German is literally English with a German accent.




maybe its not racist, they're just afraid of smart people (see that's racist), who can speak multiple languages and have the tolerance to live in the Prison Colony of Australia voluntarily. 





All of these are complicated things, what we have, "us"..."you+me" isn't not complicated at all Jenni. I like you, you like me, that's as straight forward as things will ever get

For Jenni's Eyes (Please Avert Your Eyes If Wrong Address)

So, you're interested in a taller gentleman

Firstly let me say CONGRATULATIONS, your interest in a taller gentleman is greatly appreciated. Most persons are apprehensive about dating or being seen with taller men as the assumption is that every man over 6'1 is a NBA player. This is the first line of prejudice that taller gentlemen have been struggling to overcome for the past 2 decades. Not every tall man is a basketball player, some are Abraham Lincoln others are ninjas.



Examples of Tall Men Professions


We're certain that you wish to know what all are the benefits of checking a taller gentleman, so here is a short list

• tall men are horrible at math, so we tend to hold your purse as you hold our wallets
• our tears taste like 80% Milk chocolate or apple pie, depending on the region, which means if you're into S&M, date night will probably end in dessert.
   

This Gentlemen is enjoying a new tall man flavor, "Strawberry Cheese Cake"

• tall men can't cheat…except at Scrabble because of our awkward height it is almost impossible to carry on a clandestine relationship without you finding out, come on Jenni you know that me and you have to sit in the back of the theatre because I kept blocking the projector, i think the folks at Galleria will tell you if I'm there with out you (they don't let me get buttered popcorn without your written permission)
• sturdy shoulders make us excellent for companions at concerts or flooded basements
• not to brag but you know what they say about tall men and making babies' socks? That's right, its not a wives tale, we tall men all have the ability to knit

So we're happy to heat about your interest and welcome you to come to our officers to full out and application form to officially date your particular favorite Tall Gentleman *coughStephencough*