The Secret Life of Bahamians

 I recently lost my passport, alright no, it was stolen, but it sounds better for me to say "I lost it" then "I fell asleep watching the View and someone broke into my house and stole it". In all honestly i would have no problem with the 3 year wait to get a new one if I had some other form of identification but seeing that everything including my blasted COB id was tucked in a folder with the passport, as such, i am without any proof of my existence.

So I'm standing in line to take a trip to a Family Island as my job of traveling satirist often calls for me to do, the young woman who is about to give me any ticket asks me for some form of identification (which if you had read the introduction in italics you would have known that go back and read you unwashed cretin!) So I tell her that I have nothing, no document to prove I am a Bahamian, but is it not obvious that i am a Bahamian? I plead with her to understand my Bahamianess.

- I quite often, through cultural idioms off handedly remind persons to keep their copulation preference to that of heterosexual persuasion, (that is to say stop liken man, yea I watched the video).

-  Of course i'm Bahamian, I'm Xenophobic, (at first i thought that meant, fear of the the letter 'z' but upon discovering that the word is spelt with a "x" and no one is afraid of former lovers, one can only deduce that a xenophobe is any one that is afraid of warrior princesses).

- I once ate Bamboo Shack, ( that should count for something).

- I voted for Barak Obama in the last election.

- I've never read a book longer than 300 pages.

- I like Junkanoo, (except  waiting on line for tickets…or standing in the free spots…oh i also do not like the parade portion).

When none of this worked, i revealed to the clerk that i must be Bahamian as i have fathered at the very least 2.8 children out of wedlock, the exact number escapes me presently. This of course piqued her interest, she wanted to know what kinda of father i was, so i told her that despite the tough economic period that the country is facing i was  a father to my children. I visit my sons religiously, which means once a year in december for about an hour and a half before Junkanoo.

That maybe the point at which i lost her. Needless to say, i never left the island, but lets be realistic, who actually knows what it means to be a Bahamian (aside from
the traditional interpretation that you're not a Haitian or white and that at times you possess the ability to speak Bahamian Creole English with a varying basilectal/mesolectal proficiency atlas until you reach the Miami airport, then you kinda sound like Jay Z).

Despite the rhetoric that you've aborted in that ENG 300 class you took, you still can't articulate what it means, outside of strict legal terms, to be Bahamian. I can't even do it, despite my through grasp on arrogant elitist discourse--wait, darn it, peas and rice, i should have said peas and rice.