ignoring my obvious prejudices towards persons from freeport, it
is a little known fact that i'm a nassau boy born and raised so there
are so many things that family islanders hold as common knowledge that
us faux city folk know nothing about like
recently one of my close friends has started dating a girl from a
long island sheep farm to which i thought made it a perfect time to
answer all the burning questions that i've always had.
first question; under what circumstances is it appropriate to
castrate a sheep?" to which she informed me several months prior to
eating it, because this some how fattens the poor animal. this however
confused me; how does the lost of ones genitalia make one fat? Maybe
when they cut off the sheep's testicles not only does it save energy
from not performing coitus ever again, but the poor ram goes into a
horrible state of depression and slumps down in front of his television
till 3 am in the morning watching syndicated episodes of Will &
Grace on LifeTime, crying over a tub of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, mumbling
aloud, "why won't you call me (sob) i totally can see you over in Farmer
O'Brien's field but were not talking and as bad as i want to, i realize
that you need your space so--i'll give you your space…" (totally
unrelated rant)
maybe it's a he sheep that the ram is crying over; long island is a
progressive island, i believe that they'd accept a sheep (or goat for
that matter) with an alternative life style. I refuse to believe that
long islanders would hold the fact that a sheep (or goat) watches
Twilight and has a poster of Wendy Williams in his bathroom against
him, (that is what makes you gay right, B-Movies and day-time
television?)
this of course brings to mind a million other questions; did the ram
chose to be gay or was he born that way, after all the poor mutilated
animal wasn't born fatty and delicious, they cut his nuts off for that.
then comes the true burning question, are the hind quarters of queer
sheep more or less tender than that of heterosexual sheep? it was at
this point my friend's girlfriend left the room, but none of this really
matters as i am a vegetarian (not true, just didn't want to offend any
gay sheep). i really wished that i hadn't pissed her off because part of
me wanted to find out how political sheep are? how do they feel about
the accusatory comparisons from the Wikipedia Marxist? In this Obama Era
do regular sheep have a problem with black sheep? there are a couple
sheep tongue jokes to be made but my editor is shaking her head so i'm
going to keep that part to myself.
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