ignoring my obvious prejudices towards persons from freeport, it
is a little known fact that i'm a nassau boy born and raised so there
are so many things that family islanders hold as common knowledge that
us faux city folk know nothing about like
recently one of my close friends has started dating a girl from a
long island sheep farm to which i thought made it a perfect time to
answer all the burning questions that i've always had.
first question; under what circumstances is it appropriate to
castrate a sheep?" to which she informed me several months prior to
eating it, because this some how fattens the poor animal. this however
confused me; how does the lost of ones genitalia make one fat? Maybe
when they cut off the sheep's testicles not only does it save energy
from not performing coitus ever again, but the poor ram goes into a
horrible state of depression and slumps down in front of his television
till 3 am in the morning watching syndicated episodes of Will &
Grace on LifeTime, crying over a tub of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, mumbling
aloud, "why won't you call me (sob) i totally can see you over in Farmer
O'Brien's field but were not talking and as bad as i want to, i realize
that you need your space so--i'll give you your space…" (totally
unrelated rant)
maybe it's a he sheep that the ram is crying over; long island is a
progressive island, i believe that they'd accept a sheep (or goat for
that matter) with an alternative life style. I refuse to believe that
long islanders would hold the fact that a sheep (or goat) watches
Twilight and has a poster of Wendy Williams in his bathroom against
him, (that is what makes you gay right, B-Movies and day-time
television?)
this of course brings to mind a million other questions; did the ram
chose to be gay or was he born that way, after all the poor mutilated
animal wasn't born fatty and delicious, they cut his nuts off for that.
then comes the true burning question, are the hind quarters of queer
sheep more or less tender than that of heterosexual sheep? it was at
this point my friend's girlfriend left the room, but none of this really
matters as i am a vegetarian (not true, just didn't want to offend any
gay sheep). i really wished that i hadn't pissed her off because part of
me wanted to find out how political sheep are? how do they feel about
the accusatory comparisons from the Wikipedia Marxist? In this Obama Era
do regular sheep have a problem with black sheep? there are a couple
sheep tongue jokes to be made but my editor is shaking her head so i'm
going to keep that part to myself.
A blog that oddly has very little to do with robots...
Friday, May 31, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
The Secret Life of Bahamians
I recently lost my passport, alright no, it was stolen, but it
sounds better for me to say "I lost it" then "I fell asleep watching the
View and someone broke into my house and stole it". In all honestly i
would have no problem with the 3 year wait to get a new one if I had
some other form of identification but seeing that everything including
my blasted COB id was tucked in a folder with the passport, as such, i
am without any proof of my existence.
So I'm standing in line to take a trip to a Family Island as my job of traveling satirist often calls for me to do, the young woman who is about to give me any ticket asks me for some form of identification (which if you had read the introduction in italics you would have known that go back and read you unwashed cretin!) So I tell her that I have nothing, no document to prove I am a Bahamian, but is it not obvious that i am a Bahamian? I plead with her to understand my Bahamianess.
- I quite often, through cultural idioms off handedly remind persons to keep their copulation preference to that of heterosexual persuasion, (that is to say stop liken man, yea I watched the video).
- Of course i'm Bahamian, I'm Xenophobic, (at first i thought that meant, fear of the the letter 'z' but upon discovering that the word is spelt with a "x" and no one is afraid of former lovers, one can only deduce that a xenophobe is any one that is afraid of warrior princesses).
- I once ate Bamboo Shack, ( that should count for something).
- I voted for Barak Obama in the last election.
- I've never read a book longer than 300 pages.
- I like Junkanoo, (except waiting on line for tickets…or standing in the free spots…oh i also do not like the parade portion).
When none of this worked, i revealed to the clerk that i must be Bahamian as i have fathered at the very least 2.8 children out of wedlock, the exact number escapes me presently. This of course piqued her interest, she wanted to know what kinda of father i was, so i told her that despite the tough economic period that the country is facing i was a father to my children. I visit my sons religiously, which means once a year in december for about an hour and a half before Junkanoo.
That maybe the point at which i lost her. Needless to say, i never left the island, but lets be realistic, who actually knows what it means to be a Bahamian (aside from
the traditional interpretation that you're not a Haitian or white and that at times you possess the ability to speak Bahamian Creole English with a varying basilectal/mesolectal proficiency atlas until you reach the Miami airport, then you kinda sound like Jay Z).
Despite the rhetoric that you've aborted in that ENG 300 class you took, you still can't articulate what it means, outside of strict legal terms, to be Bahamian. I can't even do it, despite my through grasp on arrogant elitist discourse--wait, darn it, peas and rice, i should have said peas and rice.
So I'm standing in line to take a trip to a Family Island as my job of traveling satirist often calls for me to do, the young woman who is about to give me any ticket asks me for some form of identification (which if you had read the introduction in italics you would have known that go back and read you unwashed cretin!) So I tell her that I have nothing, no document to prove I am a Bahamian, but is it not obvious that i am a Bahamian? I plead with her to understand my Bahamianess.
- I quite often, through cultural idioms off handedly remind persons to keep their copulation preference to that of heterosexual persuasion, (that is to say stop liken man, yea I watched the video).
- Of course i'm Bahamian, I'm Xenophobic, (at first i thought that meant, fear of the the letter 'z' but upon discovering that the word is spelt with a "x" and no one is afraid of former lovers, one can only deduce that a xenophobe is any one that is afraid of warrior princesses).
- I once ate Bamboo Shack, ( that should count for something).
- I voted for Barak Obama in the last election.
- I've never read a book longer than 300 pages.
- I like Junkanoo, (except waiting on line for tickets…or standing in the free spots…oh i also do not like the parade portion).
When none of this worked, i revealed to the clerk that i must be Bahamian as i have fathered at the very least 2.8 children out of wedlock, the exact number escapes me presently. This of course piqued her interest, she wanted to know what kinda of father i was, so i told her that despite the tough economic period that the country is facing i was a father to my children. I visit my sons religiously, which means once a year in december for about an hour and a half before Junkanoo.
That maybe the point at which i lost her. Needless to say, i never left the island, but lets be realistic, who actually knows what it means to be a Bahamian (aside from
the traditional interpretation that you're not a Haitian or white and that at times you possess the ability to speak Bahamian Creole English with a varying basilectal/mesolectal proficiency atlas until you reach the Miami airport, then you kinda sound like Jay Z).
Despite the rhetoric that you've aborted in that ENG 300 class you took, you still can't articulate what it means, outside of strict legal terms, to be Bahamian. I can't even do it, despite my through grasp on arrogant elitist discourse--wait, darn it, peas and rice, i should have said peas and rice.
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