I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, (i got something special planned for that bastard)

Alright, I have a video shoot in 2 hours and I did not prep for this week's post, so this is a true test as to how good I am at writing this ridiculous, although I blame my editors for rejecting my first two drafts, (the first being How Mangoes Give You AIDS and The Burden of Child Bearing for Men; a Manual To Avoiding the First 18 years of Your Child's Life, apparently they are inconsiderate and historically inaccurate, but that does not stop the Tribune from printing papers everyday). This is going to result in me rambling on for a page or two about no particular focus or aim...it is the fault of my editor Olive Greene (I don't know what she is going to put there, but whatever it is, it probably isn't her name...or gender...or plane of existence)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So when I was a teenager, ( or as my younger and completely out of my league female friend, who I keep hitting on but is insisting that "we can just be friends" lie that the hegemonic structure of Hollywood is constantly peddling through the quite beautiful Jennifer Aniston, refers to it), in the year King Uzziah died, I lost a close personal friend by the name of Rhemmy Rhemington. For those of you who maybe to young to remember the '90's, he was a very popular House DJ.

His death was tragic as he died in a freak chocolate smelting accident, (we had shirts printed up and everything, with catchy slogans like "Give Me a Break" and "Gone but Not Delicious"). Personally i blame the girl that he was dating at the time. He was trying to impress her for Valentines Day, but with little success as after he encased his body within a shell of chocolate, he suffocated and was not found for three weeks because the girl was lactose intolerant and instead of telling him, simply put the 220 lb box of chocolate in the back of her fridge behind the jar of Mayo and olives.

For some reason I always connect his death to that of The Beatles. No one is quite sure about the exact number of members of the band, but we do know there were at least four; Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Ringo Starr and...Scratchy, the Bass Player, who also died in a chocolate smelting incident.

But back to this young lady that he died for, (did I mention that she was from New Providence, which if you haven't been paying attention is an epic fail, the only good thing that has ever come out of Nassau is the mail boat heading back to Andros), she was chicken head. I don't mean that as a euphemism for something filthy that I learnt while watching CSI, she literally had a chicken head, due to some genetic mutation caused by her mother drinking Nassau tap water while pregnant with her, she was born with the head of a hen. So you can understand how it is impossible to even think that the relationship would have worked out, where could he take her to dinner?

Bamboo Shack is completely out of the question, and so where does that leave them, with no viable place to stand in the relationship.

I am wearing shoes.

The Natural Order of Things

As it pertains to the role of gender and the proper social positions that women and men have in society, it is taken that the natural order of things is to have women the placid genteel creature; a thing of beauty it has then always been a vulgar thing to even imagine a woman that would disturb her station in life to become something beyond a portrait to be admired.  

A lady does not court a gentleman, a lady is courted by gentlemen. With that said it is preposterous for the question to be asked and more so to be answered if men want women to pursue them. As we are dealing with things that pertain to nature let us use the metaphor of the tiger and the deer. 

The tiger chases the deer, this is the natural order. What would the tiger think if one day in a forest he meet an overly aggressive onyx waiting for him leaning against a tree, lotioning herself with A1Steak sauce and forcing open the tiger's jowls and rubbing her meaty flanks across his incisors sensually?

Wouldn't the tiger begin to question the moral integrity of the deer? Maybe the deer isn't as innocent as he thought and although he hadn't expected to be the first feline to nibble on her hind quarters, the tiger begins to think that the deer is just a little comfortable with carnivores. 

Does the tiger really want to get involved with the deer when it is quite possible that in  six years he is wondering why their half tiger/half deer child has a mane and she tries to convince him that her grandfather, who by the way was an elk, had a mane and that it skipped a couple generations?

(I'm just saying).

Then we discover not only is his blog Androcentric but so are his readers

Shalom Nguyen,

                What are your opinions on women? I notice that you change the name of your supposed significant other every week in your post, is this because you are a Casanova or because there is one girl and out of respect for her privacy you constantly change the name so that no one will discover her true identity and that is why you use the name of so many local celebrities?

                                                                                                Curious in Bain Town

There are so many ways to answer this question; I will choose the most expedient one which is to lie to you. I am simultaneously in a relationship with all of the women mentioned in my blogs, along with several others whose names I cannot spell so I never mention them. I am serially monogamous, that is one woman at a time, unless they are best friends, then I can’t really hide that fact from them and it is really hard to schedule two women if they’re room-mates. I will be honest with you Bain Town, I love women, I truly do, but, (and this coming from someone that watches Bloomberg and the news on BBC), I don’t understand what they want. I once had a small theory that it is that they don’t know what they want so men can never know what they want, because there is nothing for the wanting, thus nothing of the knowing of the wanting, but that was a theory. 
Regardless, any one single woman is beyond the scope of understanding of any one single man, so I spread it out. If this one likes taking pictures, and so does that one, now I have case studies that lead to the conclusion that women like taking pictures with men they’re in a relationship with because it proves he existed and if he ever leaves them they can post it on Facebook and tag him in it, to piss off the girl that he presently with. Alright that's a tangent.
Once I read in someone’s Facebook status that “a wise man does not love a million women 1 way; a wise man loves 1 woman a million ways,” well aside from that sounding like a schizophrenic individual, didn’t Solomon have 300 wives and 700 concubines? I don’t know about you, but I trust the Bible over Mark Zuckerburg any day, he seems the type of fellow to steal your idea for a social network and screw you in the ear. Darn these atheist and their clever binary based catch phrases!
 Does this lead to poly-amorous relationship?  Yes. Are poly-amorous relationships wrong? Only if it’s one woman and multiple men, and that’s only because women are incapable of love. In short women work best as metaphors, as concrete ideologies they are too difficult to follow.

 (lol yes it is just one girl)

Steve Nguyen,

I notice that your jokes often are tongue and cheek, but hide the true vulgarity of your essays behind large words with eagerness to impress like you are applying to be an intern for Stephen Fry. Why don’t you ever simply come out and state what it is that you’re saying. I suppose what I’m asking is, why don’t you ever have dirty jokes in post?

Allan Molech (Paradise Island Member of Parliament or P.I.M.P.)

First off I would like to thank you Mr. Molech for taking time out of your busy schedule to write me, it must be incredibly difficult with all destruction of the country to find the time to address a college student with a free Google based blog about his grammatical choices in his attempts at public and political subversion, but I guess that the perpetual prevention of progress will not stay in motion without the assistant of old hands and deep greasy pockets.  I do remember that was one of the platforms that your party ran. I did try my hand at dirty jokes, I wasn’t good at it, and I much prefer the self righteous sermonizing to the common foul yarn. Besides the only dirty joke I know is the one about the Government sodomizing (sorry no more big words) …raping a country under the guise of protecting her from the world but doing it solely for the pleasure of less than 20%-- but everyone’s heard that one before and it’s not really that funny as much as it is dirty.

Frequently asked questions, but are rarely answered (or a brief promenade through the forest of Simulacrum)

Dear Schin,

Why do you have such a large beard?

                                   East of the Border

That is a simple question with a simple answer; it is my attempt at phallus compensation, (lol I’m kidding, my Blackberry and grandiose audio set in the trunk of my 2004 white Maxima, is my attempt to balance any lacking.) No, the real answer is that I suffer from a horrible physical deformity, I was born without neck. There is just, mouth > chin > chest > man-boobs. (Traditionally men are ashamed to admit that they have enough excess chest fat to fill a B-cup but Nassau girls seem to all be going through an experimental-adventurous phase and only become disappointed when they realize that I’m not a chunky, girl with a beard and flexible moral standards, but instead a chunky, dude with a beard and flexible moral standards, they of course get over it.) But I’m straying from the subject at hand, the beard allows for me to draw attention to where the neck would be if I can ever save up enough money for the surgery, (it also helps to pick up the girls that have father abandonment issues, which I must say, thanks to the excellent parenting skills of Bahamian males has all my week-ends till mid March booked).

Dear Mr. Nguyen,

I have  heard a lot of people talking lately about a place called “Freeport”, I  tried to look it up on the internet and even Facebook, but I can’t find any information on it. Is this a real place and if it is where is it?

                                                                                Pimpocity242

This is a common question; I’ve actually gotten tons of letters on this very subject. No, there is no such place that has ever existed. Some of my readers will exclaim, how is that possible? Isn’t Freeport our second city?  To which I say, “doesn’t Ralph Ellison tell us that a second class citizen is an Invisible Man?”  Thus if Freeport is a second city, it must be invisible, and so it must not exist, (if I may borrow the logic of an atheist, lol simulacra)  


In the 1980’s a faction of American emigrants washed on the shores of the island of Bahamas and at the time there was a strict immigration policy in place by the then Minister of Immigration Loftus Roker. In order to prevent themselves from being shipped off the island of the Bahamas these emigrants created not only the idea of the Freeport but also the myth of there being a heterogeneous cultural world.

 As we now know, the world is comprised of 16 countries, (30 if we count the Barbarians that don’t speak English) but this small group of emigrants constructed the invention of the countries and cultures of some 180 countries. Places like Mexico, France, the Middle East, Russia, Cuba, Nigeria, California South Africa (not to be confused with North Africa which is a real country) and China, did not exist prior to 1986. Now you may say, Schin, if China is a fiction then how do you explain all the mongoloid looking people building the stadium? To which I will first say “that is racist”, and second “…they’re from Spanish Wells hence they all look the same” (it’s okay for me to say that, I’m Asian and so it’s not racist, also, I’m not Asian)

Back to the original tangent (lol die English language slow and painfully at my capable hands) if Freeport is real, I will ask you a simple question, have you ever been there? If you haven’t, then how can you be sure? Are you trusting the word of some self-serving pretentious writer with an agenda of mis-information? Next you will be buying into the fallacy of democracy, free press and love.